


our deal

by ksmalltalk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Co-workers, FWB, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, Hidden Feelings, Jealousy, Late Night Texting, M/M, Oblivious Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), lots of pining, waking up together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27780199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksmalltalk/pseuds/ksmalltalk
Summary: After one shared drunken night, Eddie finds himself in a no-strings attached dynamic with his good friend and co-worker. Two months of hooking up proves to be a difficult thing for Eddie as complications quickly arise as he realizes his feelings for his best friend aren’t nearly as casual as the encounters they share.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 42
Kudos: 366





	our deal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RedDesert](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedDesert/gifts).



> My darling, Thai, I'm wishing you the happiest of birthdays! I had to go with one of your favorite tropes for these two fools. I hope you like it! 💕💜
> 
> song: our deal by best coast.

_I wish you would tell me  
_ _How you really feel  
_ _But you'll never tell me_  
‘Cause that's not our deal

As with most things that get taken too far, this whole thing started off as a joke. As they sat beside each other watching a film Eddie couldn’t recall the name of, Buck was consistent in keeping up a running tab of commentary on each flaw the film had.

“No passion in that kiss at all,” Buck had quipped as the main couple on screen locked lips, shaking his head as he watched. 

Eddie took a sip of his beer, unsure of what number he was on then as the bottles on the coffee table between him and Buck melded together.

“Right, because you’re such an expert.”

Buck’s eyes were glossed over but he stared back boldly and even in his drunken state, Eddie could feel the shift.

“I’ve never gotten a single complaint, I’ll have you know.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Buck’s hand had nestled on his knee, the weight of it feeling more like a ton as they both sat there unmoving, wordlessly sitting in the moment together. Buck’s eyes found his, asking a question, nudging at a boundary. Eddie had responded with a simple gesture that spoke volumes, a lifted brow that turned it into a challenge.

Buck, he knew, had never been one to back down and so it hadn’t entirely come as a surprise when the man leaned in and kissed him to prove his point. Eddie gave himself over completely, especially as Buck’s hand traveled from the relatively safe region of his knee to his inner thigh and journeyed up further to Eddie’s increasingly hardened cock.

The sensation of that had driven him insane and the combination of curiosity and want left Eddie to see how far Buck would take it.

There, on the couch of his living room on what could have easily been any old Friday night, his best friend learned the taste of his mouth and release, Buck settling on his knees with his face buried between Eddie’s legs, sucking him off to completion.

That was two months ago and it was merely the first time, certainly not the last, that Eddie found himself hooking up with his best friend. It wasn’t truly a conscious decision but rather a natural routine the two would fall into just like anything else between them. A lingering touch or prolonged gaze during work would convey a need they were more than willing to satisfy for each other.

After particularly hard days on duty, they would work out their stress and tension between the sheets or with stolen kisses whenever they were able to sneak away.

That first night could have been written off as a drunken one-time thing. But to keep coming back now, that was an active choice. The only question Eddie was left to debate was what it was exactly that kept Buck returning to him. Ideally it would be because Buck felt that connection as he did, the strengthening of a bond that had always been in place. But Eddie had to consider the alternative as well.

Perhaps he was just a body to him. A warm mouth to take him, a warm figure to curl up next to at nights to soothe some loneliness. It breaks Eddie’s heart to consider it. But he figures, what this boils down to, is simply just fun for Buck. The rush of heated exchanges, keeping the true nature of their friendship under wraps. It’s thrilling and alluring, Eddie can admit, but it’s also been making him fall harder with each encounter.

* * *

This is the sort of scenario that plays tricks on Eddie’s mind:

A shared meal with the three of them around the dinner table listening to Chris recount his day. It’s all so comforting. Buck is there for it all: school projects constructed on the living room floor, trips to the park on Saturdays, and mundane errands on Sundays. He’s so woven into the fabric of life at the Diaz household that Eddie doesn’t bat an eyelash at Buck being alongside him at nights like this.

Buck is there to help him with dishes and to clean up, to read Christopher a bedtime story and put him to bed. Buck, over the last two years and especially over the last two months, has proven himself to be a genuine partner in all areas of his life.

This is nothing new but the familiarity of it speaks within itself. His son feels safe with Buck, the two of them forging a real connection. Often Eddie wonders at just how easily it would be to transition into something serious with Buck. He knows he would have Christopher’s stamp of approval and above all else, that’s what would matter more than his own desires.

Within the 118 Eddie has found a family but within this three person unit with Buck and his son, he’s found home.

“Sleep tight, Chris,” Eddie says, kissing his son’s forehead though the boy has already drifted.

Eddie follows Buck out of the room thereafter, closing in the door quietly behind him. The second his hand falls away from the doorknob, Buck latches on. These little touches light him up from the inside, Eddie now unable to stop himself from smiling outwardly.

“Do you have to go?” Eddie asks as they draw nearer to his bedroom. He can see the exhaustion of the day on the man’s face but selfishly he holds on to the hope that he’ll stay the night.

They stand outside the door as Buck searches his eyes. Even in the soft light of the hall they still shine.

“No, I can stay. I want to.” He kisses along Eddie’s jaw and up to his lips, leaning against him, their weight together helping to ease the door open.

For all the ways in which he feels like he comes up short, tonight Eddie doesn’t have to be anyone or anything other than the man Evan Buckley is choosing. And that can be enough. 

For now, anyway.

Eddie loses himself in their kiss, pushing every stressor to the side in favor of basking in the comfort and familiarity of his best friend. Buck’s kiss isn’t shy; they’re well past the early days of tentative kisses that eventually find their footing. They’ve been down this road far too many times to be anything other than confident.

Buck’s eager hands pull at the hem of his own shirt until it’s cast aside carelessly on the ground. Eddie’s eyes roam over the man’s chest, his tattoos before ridding himself of his shirt as well. He craves skin to skin contact, his chest pressing flush up against Buck as he resumes their kiss.

Eddie’s hands find their way to Buck’s waist, gripping firmly as Buck grinds his hips forward. Eddie is met with a stiffness between the man’s legs that makes his throat dry. Of all the impossibilities in life that have become reality, managing to turn Buck on has to rank number one on his list of favorites.

Buck lets out an impatient groan against his mouth, the sound swallowed as Eddie slips his tongue past Buck’s lips. The other man is effectively silenced, his hands framing Eddie’s face as they go tumbling down to Eddie’s bed. Eddie pulls back and looks at him, Buck on his back with blue eyes darkened by want and desire for him. It’s enough to make Eddie want to confess the true nature of his feelings, to tell him that this means far more than sating a need, than scratching some itch. 

He tears his eyes away from Buck’s face and instead turns his attention to the waistband of the man’s jeans, undoing the button and pulling down the zipper. Buck lets out a shaky breath almost in relief as Eddie tugs his jeans down.

There’s no mistaking Buck’s erection, the bulge prominent through the material of his boxers. Eddie licks his lips at the sight, heart pounding.

“All because of you,” Bucks murmurs, one arm folded behind his head as he peers down at Eddie. “Do you see what you do to me?”

Eddie certainly can see. It’s the believing part that he’s still trying to wrap his head around over these last two months.

He tugs Buck’s boxers down over his hips and off his body, placing soft kisses and bites against the man’s skin as he does so. Buck’s breathing grows heavier as he watches Eddie mouth around his thighs and hips before running his tongue up in one languid stripe along his length. Buck shivers and Eddie relishes in the soft sound of his body rustling the sheets. Suddenly he craves more.

Eddie pulls away from Buck’s body and settles on his knees as he leans across Buck.

“Eddie,” Buck groans, fingers grasping at his wrist to pull him back.

“Relax. I’m just getting started,” he assures.

He reaches over to the nightstand and takes out a condom and bottle of lube. Buck’s eyes flash with hunger, his body shifting in response. Eddie doesn’t waste any time in coating Buck’s entrance and his fingers, eyes trained on Buck’s the whole time, watching the man’s response to him. He works a finger in tentatively, giving Buck’s body the chance to get used to the breach. Buck sighs contentedly, his eyes closing shut as Eddie works him open.

“Good?” he asks.

“Perfect.”

Eddie smiles at the response and adds another finger, watching Buck’s lips part. Eddie’s fingers curl inside him, the tips brushing his prostate just so. Buck feels loose after a bit and Eddie’s eagerness to be closer to him outweighs his patience. 

He undresses himself quickly and works the condom over his length. He returns to Buck, the man already looking right at him as he aligns himself and slides in slowly. Buck scratches lightly down his back and Eddie shivers at the gesture, leaning in to kiss him deeply.

This position feels so intimate, the ability to watch Buck and see the impact of each sensation as they flit across his face. It’s the best sight to be treated to and as Buck shifts under him, beckoning him forward, Eddie truly can’t look away for long.

It’s this, this level of closeness is what he wishes for all the time. It feels as so much of himself is constantly wrapped up in Buck that it only makes sense for them to be lost in each other. 

Buck tips his head up and Eddie captures his lips, his hips keeping perfect time with Buck’s. He reaches a hand down between them and grasps at Buck, steadily stroking him.

Buck hitches a leg around Eddie’s waist and it drives him in deeper. Eddie studies the way the other man responds to him. If he could take a snapshot of any moment, it would be this one right here: Buck’s head tossed back, bottom lip trapped behind his teeth. Buck is a vision underneath him, giving in to every sensation and Eddie focuses on the details of him: each breath he rasps and the firm hold Buck maintains on his shoulders, nails biting into Eddie’s skin. 

“Fuck, Eddie,” he rasps, hips thrusting forward to match Eddie’s pace. “Don’t stop.”

As if that’s even an option here.

Eddie feels delirious as his hand pumps along Buck’s length steadily, offering squeezes and tugs along the way to keep him on his toes and push him to his breaking point, addicted to the way he’s able to draw out these responses.

Buck turns his face away, burying it in a pillow as he lets out moan after moan, the down muffling the sounds. Eddie aches to hear his noises unfiltered but such a thing is impossible to do with Chris down the hall.

He can feel Buck’s resolve slipping, his walls constricting on his length, his legs shaking but Eddie doesn’t let up. Rather, he doubles down, so keen to make Buck’s finish as good as possible.

Buck’s body trembles, a staggered moan and a litany of curses tumbling from his lips. Buck’s eyes squeeze shut and Eddie can feel the man twitch in his grasp. A few short seconds later Buck is spilling out between them, murmuring Eddie’s name. The combination of it all is too much and Eddie follows him over the edge moments later.

The two stay still, settling themselves. Buck’s fingers play with the hair at the nape of Eddie’s neck as he comes down from his high and catches his breath. His eyes are brighter now, the blue almost electric and blinding as he peers back at Eddie.

Eddie sighs contentedly at the feel of Buck’s nails against his scalp. It’s such a small thing and yet the weight of his subtle touch means everything.

“You have a gift, my friend,” Buck laughs, placing a kiss on Eddie’s lips before pulling back to look at him. 

Eddie smiles to himself at the compliment. Buck’s the only guy he’s gotten this far with and he’s taken great care these last few weeks to experiment and see what Buck reacts to best. Now he considers himself to be something of an expert when it comes to his best friend’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom.

He reaches once again to the nightstand, tugging a few tissues free from the box, cleaning them up and discarding the condom.

He looks back at Buck once he’s done, noting the way his eyes are starting to drift, the wear and tear of their busy day coupled with Eddie’s ministrations seeming to lull him to sleep. 

“Get some rest,” he murmurs, kissing at Buck’s temple, the two shifting to lay beside each other, Buck nestling in against Eddie’s side.

Eddie sighs contentedly, running his fingertips gently along Buck’s back, listening to his soft breaths as they grow deeper with each passing second. It settles him like gentle sounds of waves lapping against a shore as sleep soon finds him too, pulling him in under.

* * *

Eddie’s always been an early riser and he takes advantage of that fact now to sit with himself and his thoughts. 

Beside him Buck is still asleep, somehow ending up on his stomach, his face relaxed as he continues to slumber. Eddie relishes in this stolen moment, curious as to what thoughts linger in Buck’s subconscious, selfishly hoping he’s featured in there somewhere. Eddie knows his own dreams always seem to find their way to Buck. There’s never an escape from the all-encompassing feelings he has, even when he’s resting.

Buck’s eyes begin to flicker open, the muscles in his back contracting as he pushes himself up slowly off the bed to lay on his side. His eyes land instantly on Eddie and even with sleep still so prominent on him, Buck flashes him a smile.

“Morning,” he greets, voice thick with sleep. It shouldn’t be so attractive and yet Eddie feels a tingle run up his spine.

“Hey there. Sleep well?”

Buck nods and rubs at his eyes. The whole thing is far too adorable, leaving Eddie with no other option but to smile warmly at his friend.

“I did. God, I could stay in this bed all day.”

It’s such a tempting thought; Eddie would love nothing more. But responsibilities are already nipping at their heels, chasing away any prospect of such a thing. His eyes glance off of Buck’s soft face to the nightstand.

“My alarm is going to go off in about five minutes,” he notes. “I’ll have to wake Chris up soon.”

Buck frowns and nods. “I should get going anyway. I need to get ready for the day, too.”

Eddie can see the reluctance in Buck’s eyes but he has to wonder at what it means exactly. If it’s hesitancy in leaving a comfortable resting spot or if it’s annoyance in having to leave Eddie. The latter feels a bit improbable and more like wishful thinking but still, Eddie hopes anyway.

Buck sighs and gets out of bed, the blanket slipping away from his naked body. Buck is sexy, there are no two ways about it but Eddie admires the sheer beauty of him, his height and frame making him an impressive figure in any room, his playful smile like he’s in on a secret, those gorgeous blue eyes, and soft pink lips. He’s perfect, so perfect it’s hard for Eddie to even wrap his head around the fact that he gets this sort of access to him. And still, it’s not enough. Buck isn’t truly his, just on some occasions temporarily.

Buck moves around the room redressing himself, each article of clothing telling the story of their night: pants discarded here, a shirt tossed there. It all comes together to obstruct Eddie’s view until Buck is completely covered up as if he’s just arrived.

Buck pats his jeans, seemingly checking for his keys and wallet as he nods to himself at the muted sound of his palm against his items.

“I think that’s everything,” he says, looking over at Eddie.

He pauses for a moment, head tilting to the side.

“What?” Eddie asks, almost self-consciously under Buck’s unwavering stare. Eddie’s still in bed, torso exposed with his side of the blanket covering his lower half. He’s certain he looks a mess with mussed hair and maybe even bags under his eyes.

But there’s a soft look in Buck’s eyes that tells Eddie the man isn’t seeing all the negatives. Eddie may pick himself apart but Buck has only ever supplied him with compliments.

“It’s not fair that you look like _that_ first thing in the morning,” Buck scoffs lightly. “I’m storing away this mental image for later. I’m gonna need something to get me through the day until we’re back here again.”

Eddie can’t help but to wonder if Buck realizes just how often he says the most perfect things. He relishes in the casual implication of _more_. This dynamic they’ve carved out is so tentative and undefined, Eddie is always fearful of it coming to an end abruptly.

As if his comment wasn’t enough, Buck comes over to him and cups his face before leaving a lingering kiss on his forehead.

“I’ll see you in a little bit, yeah?” 

With one stroke of his thumb against Eddie’s cheekbone and a final lasting look, he’s pulling away and heading for the door.

Eddie slides down against the bed and buries his face with a groan. Buck’s affectionate gestures build him up and wreck him all in one breath.

Eddie’s resilience is hanging by a thread and with the way he’s unable to shake the feeling of Buck’s lips briefly on his skin, he’s positive it’s going to snap sooner rather than later.

* * *

The break in his resolve comes even faster than Eddie saw coming in the form of an attractive young woman during a call. It isn’t uncommon for women to show an interest when one of the people responsible for rescuing them is Buck but it needled Eddie out in the field to see her throw herself at Buck, jotting her number down. In fairness, Buck didn’t actually take the slip of paper from her; she’d tucked it inside the pocket of his turnout. Still, the ride back to the station was spent with a bitter taste in Eddie’s mouth and a sour feeling in his stomach.

He didn’t meet Buck’s eye even as the team joked goodnaturedly about the whole thing. Buck swept it all under the rug, letting their teasing roll off his back. Eddie opted to stare out the window, watching the scenery go by as they made it back to the firehouse for the end of their shifts.

He didn’t trust himself to speak. Moreover, Eddie realized, there was nothing he could even say.

“So, you aren’t going to call her?” Chimney asks once more as they change in the locker room. “I just want to make sure I’m not losing my hearing or my mind here.”

Buck rolls his eyes, yanking his bag out of his locker.

“That would be a negative. She’s not my type.”

Chimney’s eyebrows lift. “I remember a time when any pretty girl with a pulse was your type,” he muses. 

Chimney pats Buck once on the shoulder before grabbing his own bag and bidding them both goodnight.

In the silence of the locker room, Eddie struggles with his thoughts.

“That girl really was gorgeous,” he notes, surprising even himself with the comment. “I’m sure she’d be thrilled if you reached out to her.”

Buck closes back his locker with a resounding clang that echoes throughout the room, his expression unreadable.

“I had other plans in mind for tonight. Unless you...do you want me to call her?”

Eddie shrugs, doing his best to make it look nonchalant as he ties his laces. 

“That’s not really my decision to make, is it?”

He doesn’t have any claim to Buck; they aren’t exclusive. Just because he hasn’t been seeing anyone doesn’t mean that Buck doesn’t have a right to. They never had any such agreement. No matter how deeply Eddie feels for his best friend, that is all they are to each other. It doesn’t matter that it feels as if his heart beats just for Buck.

Across from him, Buck leans a shoulder against his locker, arms crossing over his chest. Eddie does his best not to stare at the way the muscles in his forearms flex at the move. 

“What is it?” Eddie asks, standing up, smoothing out his shirt for something to do with his hands before mirroring Buck’s stance.

All of Buck’s bluster fades with that simple question. He blinks twice and sighs, shoving off the locker door, jaw clenched. It’s subtle but Eddie knows how to read the lines of Buck’s body and he sees the tension in his friend’s shoulders as well. Eddie shifts slightly on his feet uncomfortably, realizing that he’s managed to upset Buck.

“Nothing, Eddie. Just forget it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Buck drops his arms and picks up his duffle and leaves without another word or glance in his direction. Eddie watches him go, feeling as if a part of himself is being taken with him.

* * *

Midnight finds Eddie staring up at the ceiling, unable to stop replaying his encounter in the locker room. He’s gone through it with a fine tooth comb. Things had gotten so tense in the blink of an eye and Eddie knew that he had pushed some button to get Buck to shut down like that. He thinks of reaching out but he isn’t sure how to apologize when he isn’t exactly certain what he’s done wrong.

He reaches for his phone nonetheless, unable to shake the gnawing feeling that things are not okay. Being at odds with Buck doesn’t sit well. 

Just as he’s about to go into his messages to send a text, he gets an incoming message from Buck.

**_Buck: can’t sleep. are you up?_ **

Eddie stares at the message for a moment. He and Buck always seem to be on the same wavelength.

_Eddie: Yeah. What’s going on?_

**_Buck: just missing you…_ **

Eddie’s heart lurches. There’s so much unsaid in those three dots, a myriad of ways that unfinished thought could be filled. 

_Eddie: I take you didn’t give that girl a call then?_

**_Buck: did you honestly think i would?_ **

The question stops Eddie in his tracks, his thumbs hovering over the screen. He isn’t sure what to say to that but he sees the gray bubble appear as Buck continues to type.

**_Buck: can i come over for a bit? we left things sorta weird. it’s been bugging me all night_ **

Eddie is of the same mind. It’s the reason why he’s unable to drift off to sleep having this loose end open.

_Eddie: Of course, yeah_

**_Buck: i’ll see you in a few_ **

When Buck arrives, he wastes no time in recalibrating them. The second Eddie opens the door to him, Buck’s lips are on his. He kisses Eddie deeply, taking the air clean out of Eddie’s lungs for a moment as he shuts the door back with his foot.

“Well hello to you, too,” Eddie laughs, placing a hand on Buck’s cheek to settle him.

“I’m sorry about before.”

It takes Eddie a second to understand what Buck is apologizing for.

“It’s nothing; I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to upset you. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure how I did.”

Buck’s lips twitch like he’s about to say something but he shakes his head instead.

“It was stupid and it doesn’t matter. We’re good.”

Eddie smiles at this, relieved to have the awkwardness between them squashed. Buck smiles against his lips and resumes kissing him, his hands slipping into Eddie’s hair as he walks them back further into the house. Buck kisses him with such hunger, his tongue working its way into his mouth. Eddie relaxes against him, falling into the natural routine of being with Buck, letting him take control tonight. 

For as much as he likes having the upper hand during most of their romps, it feels good to let go every now and then and let Buck steer.

They stumble through the hall on the way to Eddie’s bedroom, doing their best and failing not to make too much noise.

By the time they’re safely inside his bedroom, Eddie is so keyed up he can barely keep his head on straight as Buck pushes him back against the door.

Buck’s hand journeys down from the center of Eddie’s torso and straight to his cock. A wicked smirk paints Buck’s lips at the feel of Eddie’s hard on through his sweatpants.

“Well hello to you, too,” he quips, slyly stealing Eddie’s words from before. 

Buck leans in and sucks at the base of Eddie’s throat softly, his hand palming against Eddie’s erection. Eddie stifles a moan as Buck keeps up his ministrations, his hand moving up and slipping past the waistband of Eddie’s sweatpants and boxers after a few moments.

For as good as it feels, all Eddie wants to do is simply have Buck here, to enjoy his company. He grabs hold of Buck’s wrist to stop him and peers into his eyes. Buck quickly gets the memo and smiles at him, his arms encircling Eddie’s waist instead. He kisses Eddie softly for a moment before breaking away and kissing along Eddie’s jaw. He loves this, the way they can go from intense to gentle at the drop of a hat. 

Eddie’s eyes close, one hand carding through Buck’s short strands as the man kisses away at his skin, each feeling more like a blooming flower against his flesh. Buck always manages to awaken something in him and Eddie knows the true name of what this feeling is though he can’t bring himself to address it distinctly.

“I think you’re amazing,” Eddie says softly. It’s not the true confession he wants to make but it’s the best he can do right now and it seems to be enough as Buck pulls back and beams at him. 

“So are you.” 

Buck takes a hold of his hand and tugs him to the bed, settling in on his usual side. Eddie keeps an arm wrapped around Buck, the man resting his head upon his shoulder. It’s a position they’ve found themselves in countless times over the last few months and it never ceases to amaze Eddie just how effortless this has been since the very beginning. 

The kind of connection they’ve cultivated is so unlike any other friendship Eddie has ever had, so much so that it has transcended into a territory he hadn’t even thought possible. Normally Eddie doesn’t like surprises; he prefers to know exactly what he’s walking into but there was no way of factoring in a guy like this, one who ultimately amounted to a curveball.

This was the one twist in years that he learned to embrace. There was no use in fighting a current. Sometimes it was just best to see where a wave could take you.

“I love this,” Buck says, sweeping his fingertips along Eddie’s chest. Even through the fabric of his t-shirt, his skin still tingles at the man’s touch.

The full gravity of his feelings for Buck is closing in on him from all sides. Eddie flexes his jaw as Buck snuggles up more to his side, kissing at his temple and rubbing his side. Usually gestures like this would make Eddie heart soar but Buck against him now feels like a suffocating weight as his affections for his best friend come up dangerously fast to the surface.

“What do you mean when you say that? What exactly do you love?” he asks bluntly, turning to face him.

Buck sits up, propping himself up on his elbow to look at Eddie fully.

“Being here with you. Being _with_ you. It all feels good.”

Eddie searches his face and Buck leans in slowly to kiss him. It floods his senses, Eddie cradling the back on Buck’s neck as their lips crush together. This does feel good, unbelievably so, especially as Buck licks his way into Eddie’s mouth and sucks on his tongue. It gets Eddie’s blood racing, his body already responding to Buck’s kiss and touch. But reason filters in and Eddie puts a hand to Buck’s shoulder to stop him.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Buck asks.

Eddie licks his lips and sighs, raking a hand through his hair. 

“This isn’t...I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he stammers.

“I’m sorry, Ed. I—I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Eddie laughs bitterly, shaking his head. “That’s just it, Buck. You aren’t. You make me feel incredible.”

Buck’s brows furrow. “I’m not following.”

Eddie sighs in frustration at himself, at his inability to get his words out plainly. He takes a beat, trying to sort it in his head before speaking.

“The whole point of this,” he begins, gesturing between them, “was to be casual. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything but it does...for me anyway. It always has but now it’s just too much and I don’t know how to shut my brain off anymore. Buck, I really...god.”

He buries his face in his hands for a moment.

“You really what?”

Buck sits up completely in bed, reaching for Eddie’s hand with both of his. Eddie stares down at where they’re linked, the marvel of Buck’s sturdy hands over his. These hands that know the contours of his body like no other, that have explored the terrain extensively over the last few weeks. These hands that have comforted and tended to him in ways Eddie had only dreamed of for so long.

“Talk to me, Eddie, please.”

The great irony is that Buck has always been the person he’s felt closest to, the first person he feels inclined to share his thoughts with. But now as the center of his attention these days is Buck and all the complicated emotions he feels towards his best friend, Eddie is finding it difficult to unlock that courage.

He squares his shoulders and sits up too, peering into Buck’s face.

“It has to be all or nothing for us. I can’t do this half and half thing anymore. I thought I could be alright with it. It seemed harmless enough in the beginning but it’s slowly killing me. I’m not a casual guy and I really like you.” More than that, actually, but Eddie can’t share that right now.

He lets out a breath and looks past Buck, unable to meet his eyes just then. 

“When I’m with you like this, it’s too easy to let myself believe it’s real. It hurts too much to know that it’s not so I think it’s best if we just stop.”

Buck’s features contort as if in pain but still he holds on to Eddie.

“This means something to me too, you know. I’m not just…,” Buck says, biting on the corner of his lip. “I haven’t been with anyone else since we started this.”

This brings Eddie up short. “What?”

It’s Buck’s turn now to look away. “I haven’t even thought about being with anyone but you.”

Eddie opens his mouth to speak but no sound comes out.

“I didn’t call that girl tonight because I wanted to be here. I always do. I’m right where I want to be with the guy I want to be with. That’s the whole reason I got upset earlier.”

“Buck…,” he starts to say but Buck shakes his head and pushes forward.

“It felt like it didn’t matter either way to you and like you were pushing me away, pushing me to be with someone that wasn’t you. ”

“Never, Buck. That’s the last thing I want.”

“You said it before that you don’t date, that it’s tricky for you so I figured this was all you could give. And I’ve been learning to be okay with that even though I want more. If hooking up here and there was all I could have I wasn’t about to waste that because it’s better than nothing. But I want this, Eddie. If I had it my way, we would have been together ages ago. I just never wanted to push for more than you were able to give.”

Eddie’s heart races a bit faster as Buck gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

“I have everything I could possibly want with you. This was never just sex to me, Eddie. It’s been the only way I could get close to you in ways I’ve been picturing since your first day at the 118.”

Eddie blinks twice, letting Buck’s words permeate.

“Since day one? Seriously?”

Buck laughs shyly. “I thought it was super obvious. I was a goner right from the start. It’s kinda hard to shake that picture of your abs right out the gate,” he muses before growing serious again. “We’ve gotten so close since then. And that first time we kissed, it just proved what I always knew. I had to have you right then and there; I couldn’t stop myself that night. This feels right to you, doesn’t it?”

Eddie studies his face seeing nothing but sincerity in his eyes and, if he isn’t mistaken, nervousness too. For the first time, he’s seeing that his words and actions have the same power as Buck’s do over him. He nods, his heart pounding even more.

“It’s pretty much the only thing that does most days,” he agrees.

Buck smiles in relief, his features softening.

“I know this feels messy and complicated but it doesn’t have to be. We want the same thing here so let’s just hold on to it together.”

“Together,” Eddie echoes, the promise of that word settling over him like a blanket, every bit as safe and secure. “I like the sound of that.”

Buck leans in, resting his forehead against Eddie’s. This kind of closeness is perhaps the best brand of intimacy and Eddie clings to every second of the moment, confident in what the future holds for them now.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think? kudos and/or comments make me a happy camper. come find me on tumblr! [@letitialewiss](https://letitialewiss.tumblr.com)


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